A Humorous Sketch in One Scene.


Uncle Sam, who has his hands full.

Columbia, who finds the new scholars very amusing.

Cuba, who wishes he had not come.

Porto Rico, slower than molasses.

Philippine, velly good—velly.

Aguinaldo, who will not come in.

Queen Liliuokalani, elegant lady who appreciates Grover Cleveland.



United States Sailor.

United States Soldier.


Uncle Sam wears the usual Uncle Sam costume, striped trousers. swallow-tailed coat, vest with stars, white high hat with blue band and stars, etc.

Columbia wears a short empire gown, with low neck and short sleeves; broad red, white and blue sash; and liberty cap. To make cap, make crown of white tissue-paper, band of dark-blue paper studded with gilt stars. A large tassel of red tissue paper, crinkled and cut, is at the left side of the cap.

Boys wear knickerbockers and shirts made of red, white and blue and stars varied.

Cuba and Porto Rico are blacked.

Hawaii may be a dark boy, with no makeup

Philippino and Iloilo are of Malay or Chinese color. They wear a cue and semi Chinese shirt and trousers, displaying red, white and blue.

Queen Lil wears a crown and somewhat gorgeous gown and orders.

Sailor wears United States sailor costume complete.

Soldier wears United States army suit, leggings, and overcoat and carries gun. you have a bona fide returned soldier or sailor, you are sure of great enthusiasm. Each scholar wears a three-inch band of paper diagonally from shoulder to waist, with his name in large printed letters, as CUBA. PORTO RICO, etc.


Uncle Sam gives his new scholars their first lesson. hey are rather slow to learn and give some surprising answers. Columbia thinks the new boys are a great joke. They sing a song that is rather savage, whereupon Columbia teaches them a new tune and song, “Yankee Dewey,” which they learn with surprising rapidity. Marching with flags is introduce and patriotic tableaux end the piece. The action of the piece is very rapid. The war hits are very eflective and must be clearly brought out. The soldier and the sailor and the tableaux arouse the greatest enthusiasm if carefully arranged. Uncle Sam must be a good actor and look the part if possible. Columbia should be sprightly and vivacious, as much depends upon her acting to lead the play.

SCENE: A schoolroom with desks and benches draped with American flags. UncleSam’s desk is draped with a large flag. Books, slates. and atlases are lying about.Uncle Sam and Columbia on stage. They prepare books and slates.

COLUMBIA. These new books and slates are for our new scholars, are they, Uncle Sam? What sort of boys are they? [Reads] All kinds of queer names. Let me see Hawaii, Iloilo, Porto Rico.

UNCLE SAM. Yes, Columbia, they were very anxious to come into our school, but they are slow enough, now school has begun. Set the copy, Columbia. [COLUMBIA writes on blackboard. The copy already partly prepared is “Dewey, Dewey, Dewey / ” “Remember the Maine,” or any other up-to-date war-item]

COLUMBIA. Will this copy do, UncleSam? [Writing] Shall we learn those languages? I think it will be easier to teach them ours. Here they come! Oh, my!what looking frights! Claps her hands and laughs.

Enter, slowly, CUBA, PHILIPPINO, and others, except PORTO RICO.

The come in, bowing in savage style and looking very ill at ease, and shyly take seats. COLUMBIA courtesz’es to them, laugh heartily]NCLF. SAM. Where is Aguinaldo?

COLUMBIA [goes to back of stage]. He says he won’t come in. He‘s peeking in the window.

UNCLE SAM. You tell him I have a good long switch made of Otis wood, and it ain‘t Miles away either.

COLUMBIA. Oh, yes, Uncle Sam, I’ll tell him. [Runs to the window. UNCLE SAM proceeds to call the roll.]



UNCLE SAM. Porto Rico. [Looking around for him. Late again. [Enter PORTO RICO, slowy dragging in a large ju of molasses.]

on’ro RICO. I brought you a ju ofmolasses, Uncle Sam, and it made me hate

UNCLE SAM. Slower than molasses in

winter time! Porto Rico, of course. Philip ino.HILIPPINO. Present.

COLUMBIA. “Philapena present.” Oh,m ! Ha-ha-ha!

¥’II1LIPPINO. Philippino neva latee, vellygood. Manila boy!

COLUMBIA. Vanilla bay! Ha-ha-ha!

UNCLE SAM. Queen Liliuokalani.

QUEEN LIL. Present.

UNCLE SAM. Iloilo.


COLUMBIA. Hello! Hello! [Business defrining telephone bell at his hea .]Hel 0, central! Line in use, did you say?

UNCLE SAM. Class in history [one or two

arise], class in geography [one or two more], and class 11] first lessons in self

government, arise loll come]. Toe the mark. [The boys s ufle into line, QUEEN LIL wit them]

UNCLE SAM. Cuba, what are the chief productions of the Island of Cuba?

CUBA. Clear-cut Havanas, fat ofices, malcontents, and Morro Castles.

UNCLE SAM. What is the chief city of the United States, boys?

Boys. I don’t know — I don’t know. [They look vacant/y at each other. One guesses Madrid, another Manila, etc.]

UNCLE SAM. Queen Lil, can’t you tell? QUEEN LIL. Cleveland! UNCLE SAM. For what is S ain noted?

ILOILO. For a large fleet o fleeting war ships and a defeated and transported army.

UNCLE SAM. Right. Now, boys, what great event occurred on the first of May, 1898 7

PHILIPPINO [wee ing]. Me no likee tellee. Makee me fee vel y badee,—velly!

COLUMBIA. Philippino, what are you cry’ ing about now?

PORTO RICO. First of Ma? [Scratching his head] It was moving ay.

COLUMBIA. Uncle Sam, I know the an swer. A Boston girl was out picking May flowers and a dish of baked beans hit a Spanish fly and Philopened it! [Eoys laugh heartily. COLUMBIA turns to audience and recites very clearly and efi’ectii/el :]

COLUMBIA. “Oh, dewey was t e morn

ing, that lovely first Of May, And Dewey was the captain, that sailed Mani a Bay! ”

UNCLE SAM. Boys, what do you know about the silver uestion ? [Boys all look in their pocketsfior money, but find none.)

BOYS. Don’t know! [Looking at eac other.] Can’t—remember—

COLUMBIA. They can’t remember any thin . I wonder if they can “remember the aine.”

CUBA. Silver—silver—oh, I know silver is just like gold,—-awful hard to get.

UNCLE SAM. Good boy, go up head. [CUBA goes to the head of class]

COLUMBIA. Uncle Sam, Aguinaldo is peeking in again. He always was fond of ekin.

UNCLE SAM. Who was the first president of the United States?

PHILIPPINO. Philip the Second. POE’rO RICO. Uncle Sam, I say, can’t me vote?

UNCLE SAM. Oh, dear me, no. There are not votes enough now to go around.

COLUMBIA. 0 Uncle Sam, now you know that on last Election day there were enough votes to go around and some had two-—

UNCLE SAM. Hush, Columbia, hush! Come, boys, don‘t you know any nice patriotic songs 7

PHILIPPINO. 0 yes, velly patliotic, velly patliotic! [He sings and plays a wild air. The rest yotn in, playing on battered, savage o d instrmnents and making a fright ul noise. COLUMBIA laughs, then sto s her ears, running about the